So, lemme ask you this...is it impossible to get a cup of coffee-flavored coffee anymore, in this country? What happened with the coffee, did I miss a fuckin' meeting with the coffee? You can get every other flavor except COFFEE-flavored coffee. They got mochachino, they got chocochino, frappachino, cappachino, rappachino, alpacino, what the fuck? www.whatthefuck.com

I walked into a Starbucks about a year ago, I look at the kid behind the counter and I go, "Give me a regular." "A regular what?" "Coffee." "What flavor?" "Coffee flavored coffee." I'll stick that menu right up your ass, kid! Menu? Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup, that's all it needs. Maybe a saucer underneath the cup, that's it!

You been in Dunkin' Donuts lately? The last bastion of coffee-flavored coffee? It's gone. Forget about it. You walk in there now, there's people wearing berets, they're writing poetry on computers. There's a kid behind the counter, "Would you like a coffee Koolata?" www.blowme.com

Coffee Koolata? What the hell's that about? Y'know, when I was a kid, Dunkin' Donuts had two things . coffee and donuts, and that was it. You took the donut, you dunked it in the coffee, thus the fuckin' title of the fuckin' place! Dunkiiiiiiiin Donuts. All they had, donuts and coffee, nothing else. That's all they had, no ice, no napkins, no soda, no salt, no pepper, no pate, no croissant, nothing!

Walk in there now, there's soup flying around, people are eating finger sandwiches. They got the donuts on display in a case, like relics from a former era . "Here's what we USED to serve. We used to fry them up and sell them by the dozen, back in the 70s."

God almighty! And you can't smoke in any of these coffee places. Can't smoke in Starbucks, can't smoke in Joe Bar, can't smoke in Dunkin...what the nenene?" I'm pretty sure that coffee was invented by guys that were sitting around smoking anyways, right, and just wanted to drink something that would let them stay up late and SMOKE FUCKIN' MORE.

That's my theory. Just ask me or Columbo. He'll back me up on this one. Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot twenty-seven people. Without any announcement whatsoever. I actually gave the coffee up for awhile . it reached that point with me. I said, y'know I'm not going to have a heart attack in front of some eighteen-year-old haiku-writing motherfucker in a Starbucks, okay? It's just not gonna happen. It'd be just my luck..."He just came in here and he was yelling at me about 'coffee-flavored coffee', whatever that is. Then he called me a 'haiku-writing motherfucker'. I'm glad he's dead, I really am."

So I gave it up! In the morning, I would suck down two Cokes back-to-back to get that caffeine jolt, right? So about a year ago, I'm working on Long Island, making a movie, I'm driving around in my truck and I see a 7-Eleven and it dawns on me. Of course, 7-Eleven. I can get a cup of coffee-flavored coffee in 7-Eleven. What could be more basic that a 7-God-Damn-Eleven? I walk in there, sure enough . two big aluminum metal containers, like the old days, right? One's labeled "Decaf", the other one has no label. What would you think? I think you would think what I thought. I pour myself a nice cup of coffee, I get up to the counter to pay for it. Behind the counter? Another eighteen-year-old kid, head shaved, alright? Both ears . pierced, okay? Both nostrils . pierced. Both eyebrows . fuckin' pierced!! Tattoos coming out of the sleeves on both arms, he's got baggy pants on...they start at his knees and this is all underwear right here, okay? Here's the pants and here's the underwear...it's twenty-seven inches of underwear . what the fuck is that about, okay? Explain it to me! That's one of the most basic rules that we all know about . the underwear goes INSIDE the pants, not HERE, not HERE, not HERE, not HERE, INSIDE the fuckin' pants. That's why it's called under-fuckin'-wear!

Oooooh boy...I'm standing, looking at him, now he starts to talk to me, this is how he talks to me: "Yo, man...what's up? What's up, man?" And he's white!! He's waving gang signs at me, "What's up, man?" and he's fuckin' WHITE!! He's talking to me like he's a card-carrying member of the Wu-Tang Clan. Y'know what, you're not in the Wu-Tang Clan...you're not even in A Tribe Called Quest, asshole! You're in a 7-Eleven, you're eighteen years old, you don't know shit about shit, and pull up your pants!

And...uh...his tongue's hanging out. You know why his tongue's hanging out, okay? Because there's a five-pound steel stud embedded in the middle of it, that's why! What the fuck is that about? When I was a teenager, I wouldn't get a steel thing put in the middle of my tongue . that's one more thing for your dad to grab ahold of when he's pissed off at you. "C'mere...AAAAAAGHGHGHGH!!!"

How do you wake up one morning..."You know what I'm gonna do today? I'm gonna get a piece of steel shoved RIGHT through the middle of my tongue. Yeah! I'm gonna pay a big, fat, hairy, sweaty, tattooed guy to do it to me, too. Then, I'll get a piece of steel shot through my cock. That'll be fun, yeah. Then I'm gonna get a steel rod that sticks out of my ass, makes my underwear stick out even further. Then I'm gonna get a keychain attached to my balls, I'll always know where my keys and my balls are."

So I'm standing there with my coffee, trying to pay for my coffee. He's looking at me...I take my coffee and I leave. I get in the truck, I'm driving. Coffee's in the cupholder, I'm thinking about what a fucking retard that kid was, hoping my kids don't turn out like that. All of a *SNIFF* sudden *SNIFF* I *SNIFF* smell *SNIFF* maple syrup in my truck. I'm like, did the kids spill maple syrup in here? Then I realize it's my coffee . somebody spilled maple syrup in my coffee! So I go back to the 7-God-Damned-Eleven, I walk in, put the thing on the counter, "Yo...yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! C'mere...here...come over here! Somebody spilled maple syrup in my coffee." "Aw, no, man...flavor of the month, man, that'th maple nut crunth." "Maple nut crunch, okay? Maple nut fucking crunch? Are you gonna tell me that Juan Valdez is down in Bogota right now fielding a field full of maple nuts? I don't fuckin' think so...as a matter of fact, I bet my left maple nut that he's not! Pull up your pants!"

My mom used to tell me when I was growing up, "Denis, why don't you wake up and smell the coffee?" You know what, ma, I did . it smelled like fuckin' waffles, okay? Why not just throw all the breakfast stuff into my coffee? Put an egg in there, eggachino, let's go - c'mon! How about some Cocoa Puffs . puffachino, yeah! God dammit.