So...now you know why I can't be the President of the United States. Because I would snap like this eighteen thousand times a day. From the first get-go in the morning . "Mr. President?" "WHAAAT?? Get Air Force One, I want to blow some shit up. And get Harrison Ford and put him on the plane, I want to beat him up, I'm pissed off at him."

When I'm president, boy things are gonna change. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Things are gonna change when I'm the President of the United States. Yep, my domestic policy? Fuck you. My foreign policy? Fuuuuuuuuuck you! Here's something else . when I'm President of the United States, all you assholes who ride bikes in the city? Lock 'n load, okay? You're going down. Yeah, what the FUCK are you people thinking about, eh? You wanna ride a bike in the city, move to China, go ahead. Eat some rice for the rest of your life. Are you fucking insane, riding a bike around the middle of Manhattan traffic, huh? There's no speed limit in New York, have you noticed that? Have you ever seen a speed limit sign in Manhattan? No, they don't exist! Red lights here mean stop if you want to! Last guy who got a speeding ticket in Manhattan was the guy who crashed his plane into the Empire State Building back in 1937. Wake the fuck up and smell the maple nut crunch!

They drive me fuckin' nuts! Have you had that experience, where you're getting out of a cab and you open the door and a bike guy smashes into the car door? And then he gives you that attitude, "Hey man, that's my space!" No it isn't, it's the space for the door to fuckin' open, asshole! They got their little spandex pants on, their little gloves, and they're riding around, "I have the right to ride my bike right in the middle of traffic. And I have my little whistle...WHEET, WHEET..." I have a horn, HONK HONK, you're dead!

And you roller-blading assholes...lock 'n load. Lock and load. With your pink spandex and your headphones on, dancing, doing the hustle in the middle of traffic. Make up your mind, dance or drive, okay asshole? Just make a decision.

Fuck...I don't get it. Why not just put on clown pants and ride a unicycle down the middle of Fifth Avenue, "Hey, look at me!" Why don't you parasail down Broadway, "Hey! Look at me! I have the right to do this!!" "No, you don't...SNIP, SNIP, CRASH...Happy now!"

You seen the cops, who have to ride the bikes? Oh, aren't they the saddest looking motherfuckers? Oh, man! Oh, there's not one happy one in the whole city, man. They're totally bummed out. You know they come from families full of cops, right . their dad was a cop, their grandfather was a cop, they dreamed of being a cop their whole life. They go to the academy, they're waiting for that graduation day to get all that stuff. Then that graduation day comes, and it's "Here's a badge, a bike, and a pair of shorts. Stop crime, go ahead. You want more stuff, here's some white socks and some flip-flops. Go ahead, stop crime. You want a siren? Make one with your mouth." "Reeeeoooooreeee...oh, man, this sucks. Ooooooh...I'm not stopping any crimes, man. I don't care if somebody gets killed right in front of me, I'm not stopping. I'm just gonna ride my bike for eight hours and go home. I'm not gonna meet any chicks this way. Oh..."

I'm waiting to get stopped by one of those guys, man, in my truck. 'Cause I'm not stopping. He pulls up next to me, "Pull over"...Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..."You're not a cop, you're a bike asshole." "Fuckin' Leary...I hate you..."

Bike asshole. I'm a bike cop. That one makes me laugh. Another thing when I'm President, by the way, if you want to join the military . any branch...Army, Air Force, Marines, Navy . once you join, you can fuck whoever you want. Other soldiers, superior officers, I don't give a flying fuck . fuck your brains out, go ahead! You have my permission. As long as you want to kill the enemy, you can have sex with anything you want. Go ahead! "Well I like to fuck other guys." "Here's another guy and a gun...go! Go!" "I like to fuck sheep." "Here's a sheep and a HumVee...go!" "I like to fuck watermelons." "Here's a watermelon and a gun...go! Go! Go!!" Fuck 'em, kill 'em, and eat 'em, boys...go ahead!!