[Leary Kids] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...
[Announcer] The Lord of the Dance, Mr. Denis Leary!
[Irish folkdancing mumbling]
I am the Lord of the Dance! Fuck Michael Flattely, it's me! The "Lord
of the Dance"...the "Fuhrer of the Dance"...the "Meister of the
Dance"...the fuck? What's that make Patrick Swayze, the "President of the
Dance", Michael? Lord of the Dance, who has the balls to call themselves
the Lord of anything? C'mon...the last time someone called themself Lord
on this planet, he got crucified, Michael...and we know where the hammer
and nails are! We could put you up in a couple of minutes.
Have you seen that show? If you have, GET OUT!! Get the hell out of
my show right now, if you've seen that show, or if you own that videotape,
get out right now! You seen the ads for this show, with him dancing out
there with his flat stomach and his faggy little bullfighting jacket on
and his Jackie Stallone headband...[folkdancing mumbling]...and his pirate
shirt flowing in the wind.
C'mon. Folks, I'm Irish, okay? You've seen us dance at weddings, we
don't dance like that. We dance like this [drunken Irish dancing].
"Fuckin' kick your ass, man!" BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH...
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH..."Turn up the bass, man!"
Except for the sober Irish guys, they're over in the corner dancing
like this [sober Irish dancing]. Heh heh heh heh, that's how I dance in
real life, how sad is that?
Lord of the DANCE...you wanna do that show the right way? Get some
big, fat, beer-bellied Irish guys out there in those bullfighting jackets.
Let them dance and drink and punch their relatives at the same time.
[Irish folkdancing & fighting mumbling] "Bob, what happened to your nose?
It's broken. " "Oh, I was at my cousin's wedding last night. Yep, beat
up my mom. I love her. She loves me."
There's a big boom in Irish culture right now. I was in Barnes & Noble
the other day, and I saw a book entitled "Irish Cuisine" and I laughed my
balls off, okay? Irish Cuisine? What are we famous for cuisine-wise? We
put everything in a pot and we boil it for seventeen-and-a-half hours
straight. Until you can eat it with a straw. SLUUUUURP..."Thanks, ma!
Where's dessert? Okay, there it is." SLUUUUURP..."Thanks, ma!" That's
now a cuisine, folks...that's penance, that's what that is. "Bless me
Father, for I have sinned. I just blew Father O'Grady. What should I
do?" "Eat your supper through a STRAW!" SLUUUUURP!
I mean, I love Ireland, but y'know...they're a tad behind the times,
don't you think? They just voted divorce in in Ireland last summer.
Yeah, we're three years away from the millennium, we're about to colonize
Mars, and they just voted divorce in. Wow...wow...hang on for another two
thousand years, you might get the Playboy channel...oooooh!!! Blowjobs
are a LONG way off in that country, folks. "We're hoping to vote the
blowjobs in around 2050, because right now we're only allotted three
blowjobs a year, and they all go to Michael Flately!"
