We're making a key decision now for our kids, it's religion decision time, y'know. And, uh, I'm not bringing 'em up Catholic, I've made that decision, boy oh boy. 'Cause I was raised Catholic and NO WAY! Nuh-uh! Nope! Y'know what, I can't bring up my kids in a church whose authority system is based entirely on the size of fuckin' hats, okay? That's apparently how the Catholic church is run. The bigger the hat, the more important the guy, right? Priests have no hats, Cardinals have those little red beanies, the Pope has a collection of big hats. God must have a huge fuckin' sombrero up there in heaven, huh? "Look at me, I'm God! Look at the size of my hat, who else would I be??" "I don't know, lead singer of Los Lobos? I don't know. You tell me."

They just change their rules too much in the Catholic church for me. Remember the Latin Mass? They changed that. Every once in awhile, they just change some rules for no reason. Like God just called up on the hotline. Remember Saint Christopher? They kicked him out, he's not a saint anymore. Did you know that? Yeah! Saint Christopher, the patron saint of travel when we were growing up, your parents had that Saint Christopher figurine, that magnetic thing that was on the dashboard, and he protected you while you were driving around, huh? Now he's gone. They kicked him out. "Fuck him! Fuck Saint Christopher! You're out!!" Why? I wanna know, what did he do? Did he smoke crack in the rectory? What? Was he giving people bad directions? "Honey, take a left...heh heh...take a right...heh heh...fuck you!" "Hey, wait a minute, man, we're in Rochester!"

This, of course, is our good friend, the Virgin Mother. She's always pictured like that, did you ever notice that? When she's a statue or a painting, she's always like this [Virgin Mother pose], like she's going, "What the fuck?? Hey, man, what the fuck?" The thing I don't like about her, she's supposedly always appearing to groups of Mexican people and Irish people and Italian people. It happens every year, doesn't it? Remember last year, it was the Mexicans down in Texas who saw her appear on the back of a highway sign? There was like a million Mexicans on CNN, crying...then there was some Italian guy that baked a blueberry muffin, "Look, you can see her face in the muffin!" No you can't! You fuckin' moron!! It's a muffin, asshole!!! Believe me, she's got a big enough budget, if she wanted to show up she wouldn't be on a fuckin' blueberry muffin. She'd show up in the middle of Air Force One on opening weekend right after Harrison Ford's big close-up. She'd just pop up on the screen and go, "HEY! Stop putting shit in the coffee!"