(SPOKEN)
Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream. About me, about you. About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests. About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our heart. Maybe below our cockles. Maybe in the sub-cockle region. Maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon. We don't know.

(SUNG)
I'm just a regular joe, with a regular job.
I'm your average white, surbanite slob.
I like football, and porno, and books about war.
I got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.
My wife, my job, my kids, and my car,
My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar.

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man ike me interested.
(Oh no, no way, uh-uh)
No, I gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense.
(Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah)

I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane
While people behind me are goin' insane.
I'm an asshole! (He's an asshole! What an asshole!)
I'm an asshole! (He's an asshole! Such an asshole!)

I use public toilets and I piss on the seat!
I walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?"!
I'm an asshole! (He's an asshole! What an asshole!)
I'm an asshole! (He's the world's biggest asshole!)

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces,
While hadicapped people make handicapped faces!
I'm an asshole! (He's an asshole! What an asshole!)
I'm an asshole! (He's a real fucking asshole!)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song,
Ranting and raving and carrying on.
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong...
NAH!

I'm an asshole! (He's an asshole! What an asshole!)
I'm an asshole! (He's the world's biggest asshole!)

(SPOKEN)
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible--HOT PINK! With whale-skin hubcaps and all-leather cow interior and big, brown baby seal eyes for headlights--YEAH! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at a hundred and fifteen miles per hour, gettin' one mile per gallon, sucking down Quarter-Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers, and when I'm done sucking down those greaseball burgers I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side and there ain't a God-damned thing anyone can do about it. You know why? 'Cause we got the bombs, that's why! Two words: Nuclear Fuckin' Weapons, okay? Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want--they can have a big democracy cakewalk right therough the middle of Tianenman Square and it won't make a lick of difference because WE GOT THE BOMBS, OKAY!?!? John Wayne's not dead-he's frozen. And as soon as we find a cure for cancer, we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. Y'know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well multiply that by fifteen million times and that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke, and John Cassavetes,
(HEY!)
and Lee Marvin,
(HEY!)
and Sam Pekinpah,
(HEY!)
and a case of whiskey and drive down to Texas and...
(Hey! You know, you really are an asshole?)
Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal?

(SUNG)
I'm an asshole! (He's an asshole! What an asshole!)
I'm an asshole! (He's the world's biggest asshole!)
A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E
{Weird dog-like sounds...} ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF
{Weird beat-box like sounds...} FING ACHNG TUM A FUNG TUM A FLING CHUM
Oooh Oooh

(SPOKEN)
I'm an asshole, and I'm proud of it.